Give Yourself a Raise

Back in the days of "dialing for dollars" (aka- telemarketing)  about 12 of us suffered through each day making anywhere from 60 to 100 cold calls to other businesses trying to set appointments for the outside Salesmen whose goal it was to get those companies to then switch their long distance phone service over to our service.

We called from lists of worthless leads that were gleaned from some nebulous source that only this Uncle Fester-like troll from Operations was privy to. Somehow all that ever surfaced from that database were the same 120, or so leads for companies ranging anywhere from Raytheon corporate HQ (a measure of difficulty equivalent to calling on the Pentagon) to corner stores that sold helium balloons or Popsicles ( maybe spent $1.04/ month on long distance charges). And let me tell you, when you're calling on on the same garbage week-on-week, you're actually making something more like 22 calls a day and fantasizing about someone's tight blouse for the other 6 hours. The annual salary for that coveted role was $12,500 and if you made enough commission money to pay for your parking tickets and a 6-pack of Bud you were a rock-star.So when one of your outside reps closed a deal, you ate take-out pizza that night.

One day this smarmy blow-hard manager from one of the outside Sales team's brought our group of misfits into the conference room to show us "how to give yourself a raise". Couldn't imagine what was in store. We were euphoric just to be away from the phones and the stench of stale socks and Doritos that permeated our room; so it didn't matter if the meeting was to show us how they'd be stealing a kidney from us that night, it was like recess...with no teachers on the playground.

So he starts in on this math lesson for 5th graders: "Ok guys so, right now you're setting 2  appointments for every 100 calls, right?? And....we close one out of 5 of those appointments ...which on average is about $700 in your pocket. (Bullshit.....we set 5 appointments, you clowns blow off 3 of them and you actually deliver a proposal to one! We all knew it took more like 20 -25 appointments to squeeze out some commission money for our pain and suffering) "So you make 250 calls to net your 7 -hundo, right pal??"  You see, for a small incremental effort of 50 MORE CALLS every three days you"ll INSTANTLY put almost another $150 in the bank..." (Buddy, not a dime of my income from that place ever saw the bank.  I waited at the bank with another friend every single pay day.....waited there sometimes all lunch hour until the payroll deposit cleared and we could actually cash our checks and run like hell with every penny out to get drunk that night...somewhere other than the sofa).

Or if you were really lucky (like me) you took the whole paycheck- borrowed another $30 from a friend- just to get your car out of some guido towing company lot because you had 15 outstanding parking tickets on file with the town parking clerk and the whole system decided to kick your ass.

Some genius said under his breath- "I don't need to make ANY more calls to get a "raise",  I can give myself one in about 30 seconds"